I started to write about something that was affecting me, affecting my morale. I wrote two paragraphs and realized that I was beginning to get bitter and vicious in my words as well as in my thoughts. The last thing I wanted to do was feel ‘unpleasant’, ‘toxic’ thoughts so I stopped. I stopped because I did not want anything to affect me in such a negative way.
Especially if I am aware of it and can choose otherwise. Our lives are not perfect. We go through so much pain. On top of that, we have alienated ourselves into nuclear families and different home countries; we have almost no one who we can share our woes with. So we end up bottling them or letting our fuse off at the drop of a hat.
Having a mortgage hanging on top of our heads does not help either. Add to that the complexities of marriage. I am not saying that it is impossible to make marriage work. I am saying that it is near impossible to make a good marriage work. Marriage today is the coming together of equals. The man knows how to cook and the woman knows how to bring food (and money) home.
The man knows how to clean house and the woman knows how to fix the house. The tasks for men and women are neither traditional not predictable anymore. Also, with the lack of support systems around, each is expected to take on the responsibility of being ‘parent’, ‘lover’, ‘counselor’ and much more at any given point in time.
Some might say that is a lot to ask of one person. I agree. So are all the other demands that we put upon ourselves. With nothing to lose, and the chance at ‘freedom’ simply a ‘legal’ paper away, it really is very tempting to get out of the marriage and run. It is the staying back that is difficult. It is the ‘making it work’ that is so tough and it is the patience that is needed to see it in the future that is near impossible. Marriage can literally, take the life out of you.
But, this is not an article about toxic thoughts. It is an article about the voice of optimism. It is an article about making it work against all odds. Because that is what takes courage and is so tough. My sister told me the other day, "Man is not bad.
His times, sometimes, are". It took Gandhi to offer his second cheek when he was slapped on one. Perhaps it is time for all of us to explore the Gandhi in us, so that we can make this institution work and learn to enjoy it during those rare moments when it actually does work. I would never recommend staying back if it is so bad that no good can come of it.
I would never recommend making it work if no happiness comes out of it. But if there is even an iota of joy that one feels by being with another person, I would say, breathe deeply and try to make it work. Because quitting is so easy and needs not bravado. And after writing this piece, I am going to do exactly what I just wrote. I am going to try very hard on staying put and making this marriage work.
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